WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

ANTA MIN AYNA?
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

What prompts us to ask this question? An accent? Unusual features? A manner of dress?
Maybe we ask because we hope to have things in common…it’s a small world after all.

Personal biographies are of great interest to me, but I don’t always ask. Why?
What is the dark side of the question, “Where are you from?” The possible humiliation of not recognizing subtle features of larger groups such as the Hispanics, Pacific Islanders, and South Asians can intimidate us into silence. Or worse, innocent inquiry might cause the “stranger” to feel judged or unwelcome. I once asked a gorgeous man where he was from – I needed to know exactly where his kind of beauty came from. His response was, “I am Palestinian, not Pakistani.” Obviously, he’d been judged and misjudged before.

Another man, one of my dearest friends, initially claimed he was an Italian Jew named Zachariah. The first time we went out to eat, the restaurant was full of people he knew. The language was Arabic, the clothing was Middle Eastern. Hmmm….probably not Jewish? His fib was embarrassing and funny, but it pointed to his need to hide who he was. Afraid I would see him in a bad way, fear conditioned him to avoid the truth thus avoiding the pain of rejection. If you have ever witnessed the cruelty of prejudice, multiply that by a few times every day, and you would know the agony of its victims, although you wouldn’t have to overcome its crushing spirit. Maybe you have already experienced being a “stranger in a strange land” then you know what I’m talking about.

Our trusting connection eventually allowed me to ask, “What’s the deal with Middle Eastern men collecting wives?” and if that’s true, “How many wives do you have or intend to have?” He told me, “The Koran does allow a man to marry up to four women, but this option can be vetoed by the current wife.” There has to be a good reason to add another mate to the mix, for example, a woman who is better at cooking, child-bearing, or has some benefit to add to the family. If there are multiple wives, the Koran also states each wife must be treated equally at all levels. Zachariah insists that would be very difficult. Currently, multiple-wife-setups are infrequent and rare. Who can afford children AND wives these days? He knows two men, about 70 years of age, with multiple spouses who are living in the old country, and fading into history….

In time, my extraordinary friend and I swapped personal philosophies and spiritual beliefs, discovering we were more alike than different. We compared our holidays, gift giving rituals, and relatives - same bullshit. He had Mohammed and The Koran, and I grew up with Jesus and The Bible. We lost our fathers to cancer. We loved sharing food with good friends. We agreed the perfect cure for most anything was a hug from someone who cares. My friendship with "Zachariah", a Muslim from Palestine, is a joyous, fulfilling, educational gift I gave myself when I embraced the opportunity to have friends of any race, creed or culture.

Ma’a as-salaama!