MY DAY IN COURT

I was a passenger in Mama Natty’s car the night she was pulled over for speeding. When I spotted the sheriff’s car in the distance, I glanced at Natty’s speedometer and saw the needle bobbing around 60mph. We were surprised when the officer claimed she was doing 71mph in a 55mph zone. He wrote a 4 point, $240 ticket, siting a court date if she chose to appeal. Clearly the unfortunate caboose behind a chain of speeders, I convinced Natty she had a good argument and a keen eyewitness. It would be my first ever appearance in court.

Two weeks later in the Court House, defendants and lawyers mingled around the hallway while Natty and I waited on a wood bench varnished in stench. Assorted body odors clogged the air. A man in orange coveralls with a chain belt was led by an officer into a special elevator. Across from us, a young man in a soccer shirt slid down the grayish wall, letting out a big sigh, resting on the grungy carpet. His eyes picked me out of the crowd and became fixed. I never trust a “love-at-first-sight” moment from someone who might be in deep do-do. Mama Natty acknowledged my curious situation but steered her wheel back to the oncoming court debut.

My new admirer pushed others to take a seat next to me, and precociously stared at the side of my head. I kept my gaze forward, refusing to engage with him while my mama was facing the guillotine, but he was persistent. I turned my head dramatically to confront him. “Do you have any kids?” he said surveying my potent curves. This fresh faced kid, Josh, was a divorced father of four, caught with an ounce of marijuana. He confessed, “I’m too old for this sh*t.” (I was thinking - too young to have so many children). Unbelievably 37 years old, I agreed that he was too old, and more importantly, too laden with responsibilities for that kind of recreation. Then he asked what I was doing here - a fair rebuttal. "I am an eyewitness for my Mother" I stated, leaning backwards to reveal her on the other side of me. “Are you guys like Thelma and Louise?” Staying on task, Mama Natty questioned Josh about the accuracy of laser guns. He didn’t know much about them but apparently his clever Uncle kept a cup of water in the car to splash on his lap if he was pulled over. No one wants to mess with incontinence. Before long, Josh was called to the hallway to confer with a Public Defender. He was relieved that the best outcome for possession would be ten days in jail.

The court was called to order. Judge Wagner took his seat and the first defendant walked to the chair. He was caught driving under the influence with a blood-alcohol level well over the limit. The defendant’s lawyer spoke first, noting the positives and politely asking for a gentle sentence. Next the defendant apologized and pursued his remorse, noting he had already left his bartending job because it contributed his temptation to drive while intoxicated. The judge called for a prior history. This was my favorite part because it shed the light of truth on previous statements. After an unflattering history revealing three previous DUIs, Judge Wagner delivered a stinging sentence. The defendant left weeping. Josh snickered at the emotional reaction, fidgeting with his fingers. I was at amazed how callous the other lawbreakers were.

A few minutes later, the same defendant was returned to court in handcuffs. Outside the courtroom he was given a breathalyzer test. His blood alcohol level was 1.8. Inebriation during sentencing was a big no-no. Making matters worse, the defendant blamed Benadryl for faulty test results. Judge Wagner fuming at the familiar tactic, demanded to know when the defendant took his last drink so he could properly sentance him. After he stated "Midnight", Judge Wagner reissued a tougher sentence - "...effective immediately".

The next defendant was guilty of pleasuring himself in front of a school bus full of children and the residents of the Sunshine Retirement home during rush hour. The defendant’s lawyer said his client was seeking gainful employment. The sheepish defendant apologized, stating he wanted to get on with his life and forget about the whole thing. Judge Wagner suggested that the young and elderly, who unwillingly witnessed the act, might feel the same way. His “priors” included a fertile list of lewd and lascivious behaviors dating back 15 years. The lawbreakers giggled as Judge Wagner knocked out a fair decision. Natty was reassured of Judge Wagner’s integrity and ability to preside.

I didn’t want to leave the courtroom to plug the parking meter and miss the big moment, but Natty was fretting. Before I dashed, I told her to keep away from “Super Fly” - a charismatic cat with skin the shade of an ebony Steinway. Earlier, he proudly strutted his "Soul Train" into court. “Super Fly” stretched his arm across the back of the bench, leaning toward my attractive Natty. She was immune to characters who could take advantage of her naiveté and especially fond of African-Americans because of the nannies that raised her.

When I returned, Natty had already stood before the judge and spent time with the assistant DA in the hallway. Josh was gone and I wanted to know what happened, especially if he teared up, but Natty was busy consorting with “Super Fly” until her name was called again.

Mama Natty sat on a small chair looking up at the formidable Judge Wagner like Shirley Temple facing a big scary monster. Her slight build was erect and respectful. She spoke thoughtfully as the judge and lawbreakers listened intently. Natty explained that she was confused by the process and was having difficulty deciding what to do. Judge Wagner took a compassionate tone, slowing down to help her make her way thru, a gentleman holding the frail old lady’s arm across a bustling road. (Note: Natty is a hot youthful mama) She confessed to going a few miles over the speed limit because the 55-speed zone came up quickly in the dark, but not 71mph as the officer claimed. She continued, questioning the accuracy of the lasers, and felt her case came down to the sheriff’s word against hers. Then, she publicized, “The young gentleman in the hallway (assistant DA) told me if I said my speedometer was broken he would reduce my fine to $75.” The judge’s face turned pink and the assistant DA was mortified. Natty innocently blew the lid off the shenanigans. The court stirred and other DA’s whispered frantically. The mood of the court had changed. “Super Fly”, seated next to me, swung his head around and oozed, “you’re...Mama’s…al-right.”

The softened Judge Wagner told Natty that the system was not perfect and confusing at times. Before he declared his judgment, he made sure she was confident with her decision. Holding back a smile he said, “$25 fine, and 30 days to pay.” Then added, “Or if you need more time, I can make it 90 days, I have the power to do that.” She graciously accepted his first offer.

Judge Wagner will have a long wait ‘til someone like Natty shows up in his court again.
That day the truth set her free, and it’s doubtful a lawyer could have secured a better settlement.
I will always let Natty do the driving; she has a wonderful sense of direction.